The Art of the Public Apology

(Disclaimer: Large amounts of Satire)

Has your sexual harassment of women in the 80’s finally caught up with you? Did you release a questionable advert that argued your diabetes-inducing, fizzy drink could stop world conflicts? Did your airline violently force a passenger off a flight and you then responded by blaming the aforementioned passenger? Well, don’t worry, because you can rejuvenate your career with the public apology!

First of all, do whatever you want. Yes, Karma will come but you can always apologise, go quiet for a while and wait till someone else messes up or people forget. Okay, so you got a way with it for a while but now you’ve been caught. Deny. Deny. Deny. “There’s photographic evidence of me groping a journalist? Hmm, don’t recall”. “Oh, the Festival I organised, with admission at thousands of dollars, had tents and prepacked sandwiches rather than the villas and gourmet food I’d promised? NOT MY FAULT.”

If that doesn’t work you’re gonna have to apologise. Don’t apologise straight away and definitely nothing heartfelt or caring. Wait three days for your PR team to come up with a response that is impersonal, wooden and meaningless. The more meaningless the better. Hell, why not Spacey-it and use this moment to divert attention to something else. Your sexuality may not have been what was being questioned when you were being accused of creeping on underage boys but who doesn’t love a gay? If you haven’t got time for this why not speed up the process completely by forgoing the apology and just throwing someone else under the bus? (“Yes, I said those things about women, Mexicans and immigrants but Hillary and those emails, huh?”)

Do now, say apologetic-sounding words later is the new life trend that nearly everyone is trying so why not try out your own public apology and lead a responsibility-less lifestyle today!

[Terms and Conditions: Career rejuvenation and the success rate of the public apology is subject to how despicable the action is. The public apology does not work on cases of sexual assault but in the case of sexual harassment can make you president of the United States. It also helps if you’re a Caucasian, upper-class man, if you’re Kathy Griffin, sorry, shows over.]

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