The Art of the Public Apology, 2017 edition

Has your sexual harassment of women in the 80s finally caught up with you? Did you release a questionable advert that implied your diabetes-inducing, fizzy drink in the hands of a supermodel could end world conflicts? Did your airline make an admin mistake and force a passenger off a flight with unnecessary levels violence, to which you then responded to the resulting backlash by blaming the aforementioned passenger?


Yikes! But not to worry. We give you our 3 step program in the art of the public apology. Watch your carcrash mistakes rejuvenate your career with more artificial energy than a can of Pepsi max.

Still not sold? One perk of our program is that entrants can do whatever the fuck they want in life. Of course karma will come to bite you on the ass one day. However with our tried and tested training in the art of the public apology, no matter what you have done you can always throw out some remorseful sounding words before going quiet for a while and waiting until someone else fucks up or people have forgotten.


Step 1. Check you've actually been caught and it could affect your career. Are you sexist Uber CEO level of caught and the entire country is calling for you to hand in the keys? Or are you R.Kelly level of caught and everyone has known what you did for years but ignore it because they like dancing to 'Ignition' on a night out too much? Even if it's the former, you may be able to gaslight people into believing your version of events over the cold hard facts. Deny. Deny. Deny. 'There’s photographic evidence of me groping a journalist? Hmm, don’t recall'; 'Oh, the Festival I organised, with admission at thousands of dollars, had tents and pre-packed sandwiches rather than the villas and gourmet food promised? NOT MY FAULT.' If your problem needs a faster solution, admit to everything whilst simultaneously throwing someone else under the bus, ("Yes, I said those things about women, Mexicans and immigrants but Hillary and those emails, huh?”).


Sometimes however, public gaslighting just won't bite, in which case you're going to have to go to step 2: Apologise. Don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds. You haven't lost your dignity yet. Like playing hard to get in flirty texts, your apology should never be straight away and not a drop of actual heartfelt sincerity or care. Wait no less than three days for your PR team to cook up a response that is impersonal, wooden and meaningless. The more meaningless the better - potentially completely off-topic. Use this moment to divert attention to something else entirely in what we call: the Spacey maneuver. Your sexuality may not have been what was being questioned when you were accused of creeping on underage boys but imagine people trying to drag you after you've just come out? The homophobes. Who doesn't love a gay? Well, Chick-fil-a but they're let off because fried chicken.


Do now, say somewhat apologetic-leaning words later is the new life hack that nearly everyone rich and powerful enough to get away with it is trying. So why not try out your own public apology and lead a responsibility-less lifestyle today!


[Terms and Conditions: The success rate of the public apology is subject to just how despicable the offending action is. The public apology rarely works on cases of sexual assault however in the case of sexual harassment has been known to make you president of the United States. The likelihood of post-apology career rejuvenation can also be influenced by ones gender, sexual orientation, class and levels of melanin with strong results particularly for upper class cis-gender straight white men. Note: we've received your applications Kathy Griffin but unfortunately we just can't help you. Sorry.]

Related Posts

See All